Finding Happiness

I wish, as well as everybody else, to be perfectly happy; but, like everybody else, it must be in my own way.

– Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

Happiness is a positive or pleasant emotion that ranges from contentment to joy. Happiness for me comes from my family, my wonderful boyfriend, and, of course, my dog, Riven. 

But there is a special type of joy when you spend time with your best friend. There is a connection when you know this is the person I want to share my deepest, darkest secrets with. It’s kind of cheesy, but this is someone who I planned to have part of my life forever. It’s someone who would be there for me when I need them most. And this special place in your heart also gives them room to really hurt you.

Ending a friendship is tough. While it was the smartest thing ever to do, I was afraid of what would happen next. I was losing the person I told everything to, who I spend a lot of time with, and many laughs. 

When I decided to move on without this person, I knew it would be the hardest thing I would ever do. I didn’t know how to move on. Especially since no one ever talks about ending friendships. At one point, I googled “how to get over a friendship” because this hurt me more than a romantic relationship. The tips I found were how to get through high school without your best friend. Not relevant. I can tell you that it’s the worst thing in the world. I won’t deny that there was some part of me that hoped it would be better. I already waited for this person for a year, but then it reached a point where waiting wasn’t an option anymore. I needed to move on. 

I cried a lot, more than my usual amount. I questioned when I went wrong or if I did anything wrong. When someone asked how I was doing, I would say that I was okay, but I really wasn’t. In truth, I was having a difficult time seeing someone change right in front of me. They weren’t the same person I knew when I first met them. And then one day, someone told me the same thing, “you’re a different person too.” 

I changed, and I didn’t realize it. I stood up for something that I wasn’t okay with, and I wasn’t about to sit and wait until it was all over. I was good at being a people pleaser for most of my life, and something changed last year. I became someone I’ve always wanted to be, a badass bitch.

Looking forward

It’s been almost two months since this breakup, and I can’t say that I’m over it, but I can say that I’m doing better. I’ve connected with so many people that warm my heart, and while I don’t want to bring up this person all the time, I’m happy to know that they give me a safe space to rant. 

I’ve realized I have a lot of people who care about me and want to see me successful. Happiness doesn’t always come from someone –it can and should also come from yourself — but I’ve found that again knowing that I have healthy relationships with people I care about.

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