Unconscious Pessimism

I’ve had a really good week. Like an awesome week. Since Wednesday, I received some good news I’d been waiting for, I finished a huge project at work, my grandma was discharged from the hospital after a month and a half, and I became a Zia to an adorable little girl. It was like happiness overload. And now I’m waiting for the scales to tip the other way and all the bad things to start happening.

I’m basically bracing for it at this point.

I don’t believe in karma in the mystical sense, but I do think you get back what you put out in the world. If you treat people well, they’ll treat you well back (well, most of the time at least) and if you have a positive outlook, you tend to interpret things positively. But I’m not really a glass-half-full kind of gal. I have more of a enjoy-it-while-it-lasts-because-life-will-suck-again-soon outlook on life. Probably because I have this core belief that things never go as planned. 

Core beliefs are unconscious assumptions we have about the world that influence our actions. They help us make split decisions and shape how we interpret events. Life is not an easy thing – I know, shocker — and I’ve learned that most things don’t go the way you think they will. I’ve stopped expecting things to go how I envisioned and I’ve become accustomed to adapting to the new situations. So when things reach their desired outcome, exactly as I had pictured them, it almost feels like something is wrong. 

Often when I want something really badly, I try not to imagine it; that way I won’t be disappointed when things ultimately turn out differently. Not to say I’ve never achieved my goals or had the results I wanted; but the path to achieving those goals and their outcomes were never what I thought. And that’s not always a bad thing. It’s taught me to be open to new situations and opportunities, leading me to careers and people I never would have pictured for myself. But it’s also led me to be untrusting when things seem too “easy.”

“2020 is going to be my decade!” And so far, those words hold true. I had not one, but multiple things go exactly as I imagined this week and my brain is almost struggling to catch up. It doesn’t feel real because I didn’t have to take eighty detours to arrive at my destination. But I shouldn’t fret; I’m sure the rest of the decade will have plenty of hiccups and catastrophes to derail my plans and give me peace of mind.

One thought on “Unconscious Pessimism

  1. My dear niece. Embrace your accomplishments and all the good moments. Focus on the glass being half full and know that that you have the tools to deal with whatever comes your way good or bad. We continue to learn from our life experiences and continue to treat individuals the way you want to be treated. All is good. Smile and take on all the challenges the way I know you can. Love you.

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