Uncomfortable Questions: Holiday Edition

It’s the holiday season, and between all that merry and brightness, you probably have a multitude of family dinners coming up. Whether you see your family all the time, or if this the one time of year they are graced with your presence, uncomfortable questions are plentiful. Relatives always seem to hit on the points that trigger you the most. 

We’ve compiled a list of questions you may get asked, and the comparisons of what you think versus what you can actually say to avoid the lectures from your mom (hi mom!).

“Where’s your boyfriend/girlfriend?”
There’s two versions of the follow up question for this, depending on if you’re single or seeing someone:
a) “Oh, why don’t you have one?”
b)“Oh, you didn’t want to bring him/her?”
What you think:
a) I don’t know, why do you let the hair on your chin grow out so long?
b) I didn’t want to bring him.
Or It’s none of your fucking business.
What you say:
a) Oh, you know, I just haven’t met the right guy.
b) He’s at work (even if he’s not).

“When are you getting married?”
What you think:
Well after watching your marriage, I’m not exactly eager to fall into that hell hole.
Or It’s none of your fucking business.
What you say:
When the time is right. I’m still getting settled into my career and I’m focusing on that.

“When are you having kids?”
What you think:
My due date is tomorrow. Didn’t you know? Just because you asked, I miraculously became pregnant.
Or It’s none of your fucking business.
What you say:
I’m just not ready yet.

If they follow up with: “You know, your biological clock is ticking”
What you think:
If it’s that big of a rush, I can go have some unprotected sex and cross my fingers.
What you say:
I’m sure things will be fine. Medicine has come a long way.

“Why do you only go to church on Christmas?”
What you think:
I’m too damn busy.
Or It’s none of your fucking business.
What you say:
I’m sorry. I’ll make more of an effort in the New Year

Or if you’re an atheist in a religious family:
“How can you like Christmas if you’re an athiest?”
What you think:
Because Christmas is more about the presents and Santa than it is about Jesus. And I like presents.
Or It’s none of your fucking business.
What you say:
I celebrate a Canadian version of Christmas which is more secular.

“How much money did you spend on me/your significant other/dog?”
What you think:
I don’t love you/them/Rocket enough to spend a whole lot.
Or It’s none of your fucking business
What you say:
I stuck to my budget.

I think we’ve established that though it is none of their fucking business, sometimes it’s simpler to stick to the PC version of things, if only to avoid the wrath of your mom.


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